Everything I Don’t Know about the Law
and about human nature
I Learned from Judge Judy

1. Quoting someone else’s words, for any reason, under any circumstances, is hearsay and therefore inadmissible in small-claims court.

   Once or twice a year, just to confuse us, Her Honor applies the “hearsay“ concept correctly. But then it’s back to normal for another six months.

   In one especially priceless episode, she snapped “Don’t tell me what you said to him”—and only just caught herself before going on to say that, presumably, that would be hearsay.

2. If the judge hasn’t heard of it, it doesn’t exist.

   Do not waste your time bringing out a map to demonstrate that Vancouver, Washington is a suburb of Portland, Oregon. If it sounds as if it’s next to Canada, it is next to Canada.

3. In the United States, you are innocent until arraigned.

   If your case goes to trial, it doesn’t matter if the jury finds you not guilty by a unanimous vote after five minutes’ token discussion. “Not guilty” doesn’t mean innocent. It just means the DA couldn’t prove it. If you hadn’t been guilty as sin, you would never have been arraigned.

4. The statute of limitations is six weeks, except in personal-injury cases, where it is three days.
5. Empty threats are just as effective from a judge as from the parent of a toddler.

   Count how many times Her Honor has said “If you interrupt again, I’m dismissing your case.” Count how many times she has actually done it.

6. “If you tell the truth, you don’t need a good memory.”

   Human memory is linear. Your recollection of past events is always clearest immedi­ately after the event.

7. If a loss is potentially covered by insurance, you are required to submit it to insurance.
8. If you give someone permission to use your property, you are respon­sible for any damages.

   Bailment? What’s that?

9. If you ask a small child “Do you know the difference between the truth and a lie?” and the child answers Yes, it means that the child knows the difference.

   This remains true, no matter how often it is demon­strated to be untrue.

10. If you have a car loan, you are required by law to have collision insurance.

    Look it up. The lender will almost certainly require full coverage. The law doesn’t care.

11. If the judge doesn’t know the applicable law—or is not aware that there is an applicable law—the litigants are bound by anything the judge chooses to make up.

    Do not waste your time trying to explain the concept of a pre-emptively suspended drivers’ license. Do not waste your time trying to explain that thirty days’ notice is mandated by state law, so there was no need to put it in the contract. Do not waste your time trying to explain the concept of an “unmarked crosswalk at an inter­section” as defined in most states’ vehicle codes.

12. The bailiff can sometimes be your friend.

    My favorite to date: In a case involving damage to a valuable bicycle, Her Honor turns to her bailiff and asks what is the most expensive bike he has ever seen. Clearly he is expected to say something like $500. Instead he says $10,000, supplying helpfully “It was baaad”. I wonder if the plaintiff realizes how lucky he was.

13. Body language has no dialects.

    A witness who looks the judge in the eye is telling the truth. A witness who is telling the truth looks the judge in the eye. This remains true even after it has been demon­strated to be untrue.

    1. Neither does English.

       Thank Heaven for that bailiff, or Her Honor would still be jumping on black witnesses every time they use the word “stay” to mean “dwell” or “abide”.

14. If a pedestrian has the right of way, all cars will stop for them. If they didn’t stop, it means you didn’t have the right of way.
15. A “no contest“ plea is legally the same as a “guilty” plea.

    Guess where the difference is significant. When the criminal case is followed by a civil case. Like the one you’re watching on TV right now.

16. No one in the United States has ever pled guilty to a crime they did not commit.

    If they tried, the judge would speedily detect the fraud and put a stop to it.

17. A salaried public defender will represent you just as well as a privately retained attorney.
18. The judge in a civil hearing can demand that you prove your innocence of a criminal charge, even if nobody has ever raised the charge.

    Fortunately your average TV litigant does not know this, or Her Honor‘s follicle-testing lab would be out of business.

19. All teenagers lie all the time.

    Makes you wonder about Her Honor’s parenting skills, doesn’t it?

20. Fines are a newfangled alternative to the age-old tradition of punishment by incarceration.

    Hammurabi? Never heard of the guy.

21. “If it doesn’t make sense, it isn’t true.”

    Fiction is always stranger than truth.

22. If two people tell different versions of the same story, one of the two is intentionally and maliciously lying.
23. The police don’t lie.
24. Courts don’t address anticipatory breaches of contract.

    Drat! There go several thousand attorneys’ paychecks.

25. Plaintiffs in a civil case are not allowed to amend the dollar amount they are asking for, because the defendant has had no chance to prepare a reply.

    Need I spell it out? If the defense against a charge of first-degree murder is different from the defense against a charge of manslaughter, then obviously the defense against a $750 damage claim must be different from that against a $600 claim for the same damage.

26. Throughout the United States, all laws and all law-enforcement bodies are exactly the same. The information given or service provided to Judith Scheindlin is therefore identical to what any random person would receive under the same circumstances. If you try to say otherwise, you are either misinformed, lying or both. For example:
    1. All police stations keep the same hours and have the same telephone number—namely 911. No matter how small your town, police stations do not have office telephone numbers and they are never closed.
    2. The procedure for making a police report, or obtaining a later copy, is exactly the same everywhere.
    3. All jurisdictions have the same rules and procedures for obtaining a restraining order. There is no such thing as a Civil Harrassment Order.
27. The most effective way to convince people you are more intelligent than they are is to say so.

Questions? Comments? Write me at lucy2424 at sbcglobal dot net.