Everything I Don’t Know about the Law
and about human nature
I Learned from Judge Judy

1. Quoting someone else’s words, for any reason, under any circumstances, is hearsay and therefore inadmissible in small-claims court.

Once or twice a year, just to confuse us, Her Honor applies the “hearsay“ concept correctly—but then it’s back to normal for another six months.

2. If a loss is potentially covered by insurance, you are required to submit it to insurance.
3. There is no such thing as a bailment. If you give someone permission to use your property, you are responsible for any damages.
4. Minors cannot be held civilly liable.

If your neighbor’s teenager destroys your car, you are out of luck.

5. If the judge hasn’t heard of it, it doesn’t exist.

Do not waste your time bringing out a map to demonstrate that Vancouver, Washington is a suburb of Portland, Oregon. If it sounds as if it’s next to Canada, it is next to Canada.

1. If the judge doesn’t know the applicable law—or is not aware that there is an applicable law—the litigants are bound by anything the judge chooses to make up.

Do not waste your time trying to explain the concept of a pre-emptively suspended drivers’ license. Do not waste your time trying to explain that thirty days’ notice is mandated by state law, so there was no need to put it in the contract.

2. The bailiff can sometimes be your friend.

My favorite to date: In a case involving damage to a valuable bicycle, Her Honor turns to her bailiff and asks what is the most expensive bike he has ever seen. Clearly he is expected to say something like $500. Instead he says $10,000, adding helpfully “It was baaad”. I wonder if the plaintiff realizes how lucky he was.

6. A “no contest“ plea is legally the same as a “guilty” plea.
7. No one in the United States has ever pled guilty to a crime they did not commit.

If they tried, the judge would speedily detect the fraud and put a stop to it.

8. A salaried public defender will represent you just as well as a privately retained attorney.
9. The judge in a civil hearing can demand that you prove your innocence of a criminal charge, even if nobody has ever raised the charge.

Fortunately your average TV litigant does not know this, or Her Honor‘s follicle-testing lab would be out of business.

10. Empty threats are just as effective from a judge as from the parent of a toddler.

Count how many times Her Honor has said “If you interrupt again, I’m dismissing your case.” Count how many times she has actually done it.

11. Body language has no dialects.

A witness who looks the judge in the eye is telling the truth. A witness who is telling the truth looks the judge in the eye. This remains true even after it has been demonstrated to be untrue.

1. Neither does English.

Thank Heaven for that bailiff, or Her Honor would still be jumping on black witnesses every time they use the word “stay” to mean “dwell” or “abide”.

12. All teenagers lie all the time.

Makes you wonder about Her Honor’s parenting skills, doesn’t it?

13. If it doesn’t make sense, it isn’t true.

Fiction is always stranger than truth.

14. If you tell the truth, you don’t need a good memory.

Human memory is linear. Your recollection of past events is always clearest immediately after the event.